Pearl was anxious about us not having Merged yet. We had been together for almost a year, but our bodies hadn’t Merged like the other lovers’ had. It was a process that came naturally. At night when you were sleeping with your partner, molecules, and atoms would break down and then reform. And you would wake up as one being. Seen in the Light.
She had done all the arithmetic. On average, couples used about a year to Merge. She had calculated that on one particular night, it should happen for us. But when it didn’t, she was disappointed, sad, and terribly insecure. I didn’t know what to say to her. So I tried to show her how much I cared for her. But she was quite inconsolable.
In my heart, I felt off. It might be because I knew Pearl and I were good, but not great. To me, it seemed all very surface-level. Our partnering had been ‘hi’s’ and ‘byes’ at first. Then it became smiles and hugs. And though I was happy to have a companion through this time, it didn’t feel like we were truly making a connection. At least not enough to be Merged on that day she had marked.
To be Merged meant to be in the Light. That was transcendence. People put all their heart and mind’s work into Merging. Without it, you were just a common thing hanging around until you died.
On a metaphysical level, it involved this dialectic process of conflict and resolution. That is how they described it in the theatres. I had watched those plays with Pearl, holding her clammy hand throughout. Or was it mine? I remember thinking the dialectic had something to do with those clammy hands, and not knowing whose hand was sweaty or not. In the end, it didn’t matter because we all ended up clammy.
Sometime after we didn’t Merge, Pearl became distant and sought others. I thought it was fine. But really, I was angry. It felt like I had been taken for granted. So I confronted her about it. She yelled at me for my apathy. For not giving her more. And it was after we tore each other’s skins, ripped away our insecurities and got to the bones of our vulnerabilities that I realized I didn’t want to lose her. And she didn’t want to lose me.
Subsequently, we decided that we would get back to doing things together. So we made up.
The next day, we Emerged.
It was otherworldly. To be one with Pearl felt like nothing I had ever felt. I felt her heartbeat as if it were mine. I played back her memories like they were mine. We touched the world with our hands. It is hard to say that there was a Pearl, and there was I. After the Emergence, reality was warped.
The moment itself felt like the merging of two streams. Perpetual. Continual. That in life, we are always Emerging. With ourselves. With others. With the Light. We hold onto it now. The belief that we are more than ourselves.